You know how there are special people in your life, people who you'll do anything to be with? And even though you know that he/she'll probably never see you in that way, they still occupy a place in your heart even though you've been with other people. No matter how hard you try to get over them, even if it's been for years, they still trump everybody else. 6 years is a damn long time to get over a crush. I've tried moving on, but they never worked out. Why would they anyway? Maybe that's why nothing ever lasts anyway. I can't see myself ever in a serious relationship (like more than a year) with anyone else but that one person. I don't know why I can't just let go. It's rather embarrassing, the extent of my childhood crush. I've lied to myself, to everybody that I was over him. I even lied to him (cause I told him sometime last year that I was over my little thing for him thinking that it would help me get over him.)
HAHAHA mega ultra failure.
I think that I'd rather die single than to get married to anyone else. And this scares me, a lot. Even if my neighbour got onto his knees and asked for my hand in marriage (ha ha ha) the first thing I'll do is to ask xxxxx to confirm that he has absolutely 0 feelings for me before even considering my neighbour. 
This afternoon was the perfect example of how I'm just living in denial. Just seeing him made everything that I've put behind me come back with full force.And it's like this every single time, with whatever trigger/ memory he's left behind.

What a sad thing this is. I think I'll die an old and lonely woman loving somebody who doesn't love her back.

Ps. I know how friggin annoying it is to have someone like you for dno how long even though they know you don't like them back. But I can only control how I feel to a certain degree. I can't help that I feel this way about him, it's like an in-built thing. I feel bad about it sometimes, most times it just leaves me confused and I'll try to think of other things but the bottem line is,
it's not just a crush.  


There I've said it. It's not a crush but it's not love. I refuse to let myself believe its love.
K Hannah, what this is is a serious mad-ass obsession over someone you will never have. & you need rehab.

Labels: thoughts