I feel like quitting. Really, I feel like just dropping out and find something else to do. Because I just wanna stop feeling like this.

I wanna stop thinking about him at night. I wanna stop thinking about him in the morning. I wanna listen to music on my ipod without having songs reminding me of him. I wanna go out with guys without feeling guilty for liking him a million times more. I wanna be free and independent and I don't want to have 50% of my world revolving around him. I wanna hear his name without feeling so weird inside.

I think that I've done quite a good job distancing myself. Being in denial, finding temporal distractions, telling him that I don't have a crush on him anymore (which I thought would actually come to pass but noooo...) Today my sister randomly said that my face changes every time I look at him. I don't know what to make of that. Am I really that transparent? I thought I've been hiding it pretty well. Every time I see him something in me gives way. I don't know what it is. I don't know how to stop it.

The thing that confuses me the most is this: I can get over L after a year or so but I can't get my heart to stop feeling for - after like what, five freaking years?

I am miserable today. I'm miserable most of the time after thinking about -. It's so easy to say that I've gotta let him go and stop tormenting myself, but goodness gracious.
I can't.
Seriously. I fucking can't. And it hurts because I know that he doesn't give much of a damn about me. He doesn't even have a clue how he's screwing my head around. And I would probably rather shoot myself then have him know how much he's messing with my heart.

I needa go to rehab. Take some anti-pickl pills.
I really can't take this anymore.

I'm not going anywhere. This is it for me. You're it for me. I can't pretend to feel any less than I do. I'm sorry, I just can't.