They always come back to haunt you.

No matter how much you try to hide it away from everyone, no matter how far you've managed to put at the back of your mind, it's always there.
Cold hard truth.

You've said you've moved on. Gone are the days, memories erased. But all it takes is one fucking email. His "I need to move on and I don't want to feel this guilt anymore" shit of an apology.
Selfish son of a bitch.

Fuck everything. I'm a hypocrite. I'm a liar. I'm not as clean as most of you think I am.

But I just can't fess up. Cuz it's something that I'm ashamed of and I just don't want people to know that I made that one big mistake. So I lie. Deny everything and pretend that I really do have good sense.

And then there's everything else.
People always leave.

But y'know what they say. Leave them before they have a chance to leave you.

Have you been at that point in your life where you realize life's just one big adventure- new people, new experiences, and so many things to discover. But in the midst of it all you find yourself at a loss of direction. You don't know where you're headed, you don't know where you want to go, hell, you don't even know what you want anymore.

I'm lost. I feel like I'm just floating through whatever life throws at me.

Ever felt that way? I've been feeling like that for ages.

My life is like one big lie. Some friends think I like to party and have fun a lot. But that is just a distraction. A weird kind of compensation for nothingness. I'm not really fun-loving. I'm just desperate for happiness.

Y'know I thought that being in this vet course would be the bombz because it was all I ever wanted to do in life. But why am I so god-damned unhappy. And my parents can never know that of course, on top of other things they must never know.

~~~~

It's been so long (by my standards)

School has been really wearing me out. The social parts and to be specific boys or rather boy and of course the academic parts. But I'm glad that it's all over now.

Somebody asked how I spent my 19th.
It would have been really pathetic if not for the many lovely birthday calls, texts, tweets and wall posts. Really. No parties no chillizin with friends.
It was just me and my notes. Doesn't bother me that much though, I've always been fine with having a low-key birthday. But the only thing that gets to me are the people who you'd thought would give a damn- y'know those people who you'd trust with your secrets, the friends who you've put in your inner circle- they didn't even bother to wish you a happy birthday at all.

I like to tell myself that maybe they forgot, or that they really didn't know. But this one did. No excuses. You're probably thinking what the big fuss is all about, it's just a birthday wish after all. Yeah, it is a pretty petty thing to be mad over this but after all that history and years of friendship...
it stings.

That was the least that was expected and even strangers beat him to it.

Anyway. I'm going to sleep this over. Don't wanna be petty.

And when I wake up I will party.