Luvin the song but I find the music video a tad too offensive. They should play this on the radio more often. It's so Cobra Starship but I luv them anyway so no harm there.
Btw, this is the perfect example of what NOT to do if you value your new-found freedom. Her dad will surely lock her up in some high tower ala Rupunzel. And get Prince Charming (match-made) to climb her golden (or brown in this case) hair. And maybe pay Prince Charming to assassin the boyfriend.

What can I say. That's how it is isn't it. You just do whatever you want to do- no matter how crazy it is- as long as you're true to yourself and live with no regrets.

Some messed up motto that is. .

All we need is a little inspiration, a little motivation. Heart, soul & mind.




This week is dedicated to studying, and by which I mean hardcore.

Today I read through all my phys & inorganic chem notes. Sad to say that I have not understood everything.
Buffers & conjugate acid-base pairs? Clueless. Entirely clueless.
Funny how Vanessa Hudgens is singing  "walk, walk, walk away" right at this moment. Could be a sign.

Tomorrow I'll be

• Doing 3 practice papers
• Memorizing the periodic table + solubility table + many other tables
• Polishing up on the rest of PIPC 

And then on Weds & Thurs it'll be

• Dog groomer's 
• Biology revision at Starbucks/ Coffee Bean

Friday & Sat

• Organic biochemistry revision 
• Practice papers

I can do this. I can do this. I can do this. Just gotta push a little harder, a little further and that should set the ball rolling.

I don't know how things are going to go but that shouldn't scare me off from getting to know where we stand. It's either gonna go backwards or forwards. Either way things have changed after Friday night and that's not a fact to push aside and ignore.

So I'm just gonna heed the great advice from my darling friends and be really careful about this situation. & I should know what I want. What do I want?
What does he want?

Y'know in all honesty, if he hadn't suddenly popped into my life I wouldn't even spend a fraction of a second thinking about him. But now that he has it's like I have to keep trying to think of anything else but him.

I think I'm just gonna go for the ride and see where it all goes. No expectations. Cause I don't wanna miss out. But am I really up for that?

Boys are so...

confusing.

I am so bored. I think I've never been this bored in my life. Last night was pretty bad. I was so bored that I cried. I guess I was just frustrated that I couldn't do much about it. I tried the TV but Ch 8 and Ch 5 and all that Mediacorp stuff can get depressing after awhile.
I wanted to take a bus down somewhere- anywhere. Clarke Quay's my best bet. But you know how it is. Parents.

So I went back home to watch some cable TV and then returned to Holland at about midnight.
This is my life T_T

Oh I read the Bible too but honestly whoever who said that we should read the Bible when we get bored has obviously not walked his/her talk. Or maybe it's just me. I got even more bored reading the Bible (is that even possible?).

Anyway, I stole my sister's/mom's Goong series. You know that once-popular Korean drama series about the princes and all that? I never got the hype so I didn't watch a single episode of it. But now that there's absolutely nothing to do (because daddy dear wants to keep me captive at Holland) I shall engross myself in it.

Somebody save me pls.

Hello,
I got tired of my side-swept fringe so I took the kitchen scissors and DIY-ed bangs.

I also bought a spankin' new barbell and it's multi-colored! Not in the all the colors of the rainbow way but it's like those metallic fusions with purple+green, pink+yellow etc.

Viewer's discretion is advised.

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Today was EPIC. .

It started with waiting at Wendy's for XR. I waited and waited and then decided that she'll probably be late. Nothing new. So I waited and waited until she finally picked up her phone...

Me: Hello, where are you?
Xr: Oh I'm outside already.
Me: Okay I'm upstairs!
Xr: Okay bye!

(1 min later)

My phone rings.
Me: Hello?
Xr: Hey where did you say you were again?
Me: I'm at Wendy's, 2nd level.
Xr: Oh.... how to go there?
Me: Uh there's the stairs...
Xr: What stairs? I don't see any stairs...
Me: Near the counter. Beside it.
Xr: Uh... no...?
Me: Are you at Holland?
Xr: No!?!?! I'm at Orchard!
Me: HAHAHAHA I'M AT HOLLAND.

X___X  Joke of the day.

Then on the bus I was seated diagonally behind this HAM. K he was not only a HAM, but he was sizzlin'. Bacon. His eyes were brown and he has pretty eyelashes and damn the jawline! Plus he was tanned and ohmagod muscular and his hair wuz brown and it was really nice. Some other angmoh guy caught me staring so I had to sneak peeks and make do with the periphery vision.
Oh lordy bless my soul.

Finally met XR at the same Wendy's and decided that it wasn't that appetizing. In the end we had lunch at Cine's Koufu. I was about to get Bundung while waiting for my Thai food and guess who I saw.
Ian DeYoung. 
Bloody hell FML.
I told the auntie that I'll come back to collect my meal and literally ran all the way to XR. I was considering going up to him to say hi but then that would be a disaster.

After chillin at Macs we headed to the Xin-Jia-Po Flyer. But that's another post for another day. Becuz we took lotsa pictures and apparently I can't load them on the computer because the battery went flat. But I'll tell you this: It Was Awesome.

Xr went home and I rushed back to Cine to meet Eunice-Jonas-Bieber for Step Up 3. 
Which was (Y) (Y) (Y) (Y) (Y) (Y) (Y)!!!!!
Who cares if the plot kinda sucked. The dancing blew my mind. Like BLEW IT INTO PIECES KABOOM.  
Chadd Smith aka. Madd Chadd  wuz hot. When he danced?
Orgasmic.
I loved him ever since ACDC (Jon M Chu's dance crew) (Jon M Chu's the director of Step Up 1,2,3) 
He totally stole the limelight from the lead (even if his screen time was rather short). I want to be the mother of his children. HAHAHAHA T_T dream on Hannah.

Marry me pls *.*

Watch him do his thang.





Today is a velly good day indeed.

I went to church yesterday evening. Gist of the sermon was about prayer. Honestly, I haven't been praying much (if you define prayer as talking to God mentally/verbally). Most of my prayers have been really short and precise, like say, "Dear God thank you for the sunny weather today" or "God please help Seth have a speedy recovery" or "God I can't sleep, I need your peace" or "Thank you for the food amen". I don't like dwelling on prayer itself, and I have no idea how people can pray for hours. I can't even talk to myself for 5 minutes.

Yeh its rather frustrating cause I feel like an outsider most of the time because I just don't know how to pray verbally. I don't like talking about my feelings. I do, but they never come out right. Most of the time I blog them down because it's the easiest way to express myself.
I like writing prayers down, like Galvin shared during discussion time. Sometimes when Matt asks us to pray, all I feel like doing is taking out my pen and writing it all out. But then there would be this voice in my head telling me that I have to 'behave' during prayer and 'fidgeting' would not only be a distraction to others around me but disrespectful to God. Weren't we all taught to be still and zen-like during prayer? I know I've been conditioned since I was a kid to close my eyes and bow my head during prayer. But those prayers never last long before something else enters my mind.

Last night's discussion was reassuring. Prayers are ultimately your way of communicating with God. Something that's personal and sacred. There's no fixed way of praying, only a common way. So there's the thing between praying by ritual vs. spontaneous prayers. I'm not saying that one's more sincere than the other, because it would be rather stupid of me to judge. My most sincere prayers are rarely those uttered out loud. The ones that are most close to heart are prayers I type/write. Does the form make my prayers any less worthy? I say not.

Anyway. I came across this little section of my Bible next to the verses that were read, a little POV message contributed by other Christian women about certain topics. I like reading them because well, it helps me understand things better.
The tiny section read:

Sometimes you're hurting so much that you don't even know what to pray or how to pray. Sometimes a situation feels so painful that you're at a total loss for words. So you get on your knees, and all you can do is cry. You know what? That's a prayer to God. These verses promise that the Holy Spirit knows what's going on in your life, and he'll intercede for you with God. When you have no words to pray, let the Spirit turn your sighs into prayers to God. He promises to hear.

 It was just what I needed.

So I've heard that there's some facebook thread going round, I thank God's. My facebook's not the most cooperative at the moment, so for now,

I thank God for hearing my prayers. All of them.

I love my home. My actual residence. I love my home. I think I said that already, but no harm repeating for emphasis right.
I. LUV. MY. HOME.

Living over at Holland has been great. It's so convenient since it's like maybe a minute away from Holland V, there's the choice between Starbucks/ Coffee Bean, cheap hawker center, Each A Cup, Frolick (not that I've had any yet), Sasa, pet stores to visit when I get bored, yada yada. Plus there's buses to town, Vivo, church, school, etc etc etc.
But it's nothing like home.

At home I have:

1. Cable TV. Thank God for cable tv.  
2. Peace & quiet. No Seth to scream and whine all through the night. (Irony my parents moved us out because of the noise...) Ah, I savor the serenity.  
3. My darling baby. I've missed him so.  
4. Zac Efron x3, Justin Timberlake, Mark Salling (Puck from Glee), Ryan Sheckler & Taylor Momsen on my walls to watch me sleep. Sounds creepy but its strangely comforting. I kinda understand why Bella doesn't mind Edward watching her sleep. Kinda.  
5. Excellent internet connection.

Home sweet home.
For the night. 

My bad moody week ended today when I met Eunice G for brunch @ Coffee Bean and then went on a lil' shopping spree around town. And then I met Iris & JY at 313's big-ass F21 and went berserk with the high-cut tank tops. Then they tagged along for grandma's teochew porridge buffet birthday dinner. My cousins were early for the first time. I missed them quite a lot, it felt so good joking around with them and catching up. Then it was more late-night shopping followed by Starbucks.

And now it's 1246 and I can't sleep thanks to the vanilla latte I had.

I freaking love my friends.

These odd 7 days has been well... Odd.
& Empty.
Odd & empty.

I wasn't even in the mood to hit the clubs last night. Heck, I wasn't in the mood to go out at all these few days. Probably because of my temporary addiction to Dexter. Dexter was a distraction I guess, something to keep my mind busy. But now that it's over...

I find myself not knowing what to do. Yeah there's the YOG going on, and good lookin' athletes to swoon over but loneliness creeps in and I find myself at a loss of what to do. Because I don't feel like doing anything at all.

I think it all started with Saturday night. Don't really wanna go into the details but it left me crying so hard-  it was like as if the harder I cried, the less pain I'd feel. And during all that I needed to talk to somebody but I had no idea who to call. Yeah, there are my good friends that I could always count on to be there for me but, I don't know... the only person I knew would truly make everything better is gone.

And I'm so scared that there will never be another. Y'know he used to tell me over the phone
"Everything will be okay because I love you"
and it'll make me feel so much better.

But now it's like I have to rely on myself and I'm not sure if this inner-strength thing will last very long.

I am not dead. Just so you know.

My phone's been really annoying these past few days. I can't text at all, and I have a feeling that I don't receive some of the texts that were sent to me. So for that I'm sorry for not replying!

I haven't been on Facebook much either. The Internet I have here sucks because it lags. When I say lag I mean the page doesn't even load after 30 mins kinda thing. I'm lazy to go down Starbucks well because I don't wanna spend on $6 coffee that I don't even need just for Wireless@Sg (which could lag as well considering the other people sharing the Internet)

So I've been keeping myself relatively busy. If I'm not out with friends, I'm at home watching the YOG (haha! iCandi) and having Dexter marathons.



Dexter is my new favourite cop-drama series. Unlike CSI, Bones, Criminal Minds, Dexter is about this blood-splatter analyst (named Dexter) who has a secret life of a serial killer. He can't help killing (traumatic past) so he justifies his urges by murdering only those who get away with their murders. In other words he kills murderers who deserve to die. And he's so bloody good (ha, pun) he not only helps his team to solve the craziest murder cases, he cleans up after himself well enough to go undetected for... a long time. He did get found out though later on and that's where I'm at currently. How exciting right!

Yeap so that is currently my life now. I'm sorry for being so unreachable and uncontactable but I will get my phone fixed soon.

Oh! Seth update: He had his final (hopefully, fingers-crossed) operation to close his stoma. So he's back to normal now and I can not be more grateful for his recovery. God's faithful. He always will be. It's just a matter of whether you have the patience to see it.

Just got home from Zirca. Wuz s'posed to stay past midnight but apparently my 16-year-old sister has yet to grow up.

We had cranberry vodka and fruit punch + rum = yum.. I wouldn't say that I can't feel the alc, but it's not that over-powering. I like em' mild and delicious ;)
About 10 minutes after we got our table I felt a tap on my arm.
"Do you want to join us at our table?"
"Nah we're good."
"You sure?"
"Yeah, sorry!"
He actually did a cute frown face with the finger-tear.
Aww.

I was so very tempted to join them but then decided against it cuz strange American boys are risky. And I had to be back in an hour so no point in engaging in flirty conversations anyway.

Btw, this is my first time ever in Zirca (not counting that time where I got lost inside and couldn't find my friends hence I went home, alone)  and it's not that bad. It's not as sleazy like what people make it out to be. The bartenders are super friendly and they make really good stuff.

I think the danger lies more in being exposed to so many things that make you vulnerable ie. alcohol, cute guys, good music (makes you lose control), dimmed lighting. And going overboard was never so tempting, Attention was never so sought after.
It's like temptation island, and you're tested on will-power, morals & values, maturity as well as your capacity to have as much fun as possible. And you're challenged to compromise most of the time.

K, so the balance goes a bit like this: add more fun, lose more morals. Kinda sucks, how things work. But that's the truth.

What will it be Hannah? Will you exchange your morals just to have the best time you can ever have? Will you ever cave in someday?

It doesn't make sense to let go of something you had for so long, but it also doesn't make sense to hold on when nothing's there.

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Labels: pickl, thoughts

Had Kushin Bo for Eunice's birthday dinner. Kushin Bo's this Japanese buffet restaurant which is famous for its Alaskan crabs.Everything there was so-o-o good. The desserts ended up being the main course x_x Hello fats hello fats.

I love this cha-soba! The best I've had.

The 'main' course

HEE I see-food. Saefood, geddit? -.-

!!! Dessert = love. The mochi tastes weird tho. I think I'm just not a mochi person.

More desserts... the jelly was HEAVENLY.

And some more desserts. I didn't forget my fruits!

I don't know how this can look appetizing...

Alaskan crabs! It is so yummy & I'm not even a crab person.

That was supposed to be the highlight of this week but the very next day it was replaced by...


30 SECONDS TO MARS LIVE AT FORT CANNING!!

I met ET, Jerome and Joshua there around 8.30pm. We spent 2 hrs attempting to sneak in, but security was super tight that night. I gave up and was content with just hearing them play but ET persevered with her little schemes and to cut the looong story short, the both of us finally got in. 
I'm not telling how we did it, but we did (: 

And just in time for 30 Seconds of Mars too! Jared Leto was a party animal. He's insane! Too bad not everyone there were a fan of 30STM, it was a bit of a buzz kill when not everyone knew the songs/ refused to sing along to them. He tried initiating a larger-scale mosh pit, tried initiating body surfing etc etc and obviously it didn't work cause we're all responsible citizens of Singapore and we do not behave like wild things, because the government repressed us so. Buzz-kill much? I can't wait for them to return, which I think would be soon. And I will def. def. be going no matter how much the tickets cost. They ended with Kings and Queens, and Jared invited the crowd to go up stage. I had this moment of madness where I wanted to go up there so bad, like so so so so bad that I just pushed my way up front and tried to climb over people to get over the fence. Then I realised that the bodyguards picked whoever Jared pointed to and by the time I reached the front he was on the other side :( I tried very hard though. Shouldn't have worn a skirt that night. 
With that said, I'm still grateful for getting to see them live! 

The Smashing Pumpkins were up after. The drummer was just a kid, no more than 18? And he was mind-blowing. I tried taking shots of him but they're too blurry :/ Singfest ended at 1.30am so we missed the last bus. The taxi midnight fares were just bloody expensive so ET and I spent the night wondering around town like homeless people till the first bus arrived. HAHAHA, what a night to remember.

They got caught trying to sneak in

ET! It wouldn't be possible without her persistence.

Give me a dollar foe every ohmagawwwd I said and I'll be a millionaire.

30 Seconds to Mars. I am a happy, happy girl.

See the girl in black? I was walking behind her on the way to Fort Canning and I thought she was much much older. Turns out she couldn't be any older than 16.

Ear-gasm. HA if there's such a word.

xxx !

Labels: 30STM, gigs

Ya, that guy ^   he's from Gossip Girl btw. 

How random. But unforgettable. It's one of those dreams that you can't seem to un-remember.

So the dream went like this, I was resting at home after giving birth to his child (wtf wtf wtf) (I don't know if we were married or not but we were living together in this big ass apartment) and I decided to head out to the veranda for some reason which I can't recall. I just remember feeling so so tired. And then this lawyer out of nowhere hands me a document stating that since I'm the mother of Chuck's kid I must go to bed and rest. Or something like that. And then I take it inside the house and Chuck comes with a pen and I was supposed to sign and fill in the details but he stopped me after I signed. I CAN STILL RMB WHAT HE SAID HAHAHAHA.
"You don't have to do that." 
And he gave me this look which gave it all away, he's the one who made the document to make me have a proper rest (SO RETARDED RIGHT but quite an accurate reflection of Chuck's manipulative character). Then he gave me the I-care-so-much-for-you look and directed me to the bedroom (for a nap ok, my dream was pretty PG). The bedroom was friggin nice btw, my dream bedroom. Then we went to bed and all the while I was thinking: awwww he's gna nap with me too I am so touched/ I love him so much (wtf).
The following parts are pretty retarded so reader's discretion is advised.

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Labels: dreams

All I ever wanted, all I ever wanted
Was a simple way to get over you. 


Baby cause all I ever wanted was you


I feel like a bloody idiot. I've done even the stupidest things to stop feeling like this.
Stupid things like making a list of all the possibilities that might wipe out this thing I have for him.

Murder, being gay (like true blue I dig men kind), poverty, having AIDS, disfiguration, mental/physical handicaps, anger issues, addiction to drugs/ tobacco/ pron/ bubble tea/ alcohol/whatever, using more cosmetics than I do, hating animals, being an ass to my bffs, male chauvinism.
Ya the list is stupid in itself but do you know what's the stupidest thing?
It's this one truth: even then nothing will change.

I lovehate feeling like this.

Actually I've finally gotten a few unforgivables- rape, eating dogs, animal abuse, cannibalism, satanism, infidelity.
But knowing him, the probability of the above is just close to 0.

What the shit right. I try to think of ways to forget about him and they all just backfire and reveal how much I actually like him. And it just defeats my whole purpose.
Should I
a) just stop trying altogether and live in misery hoping and waiting till I see him in heaven
b) keep trying to scrub him off cause who knows, maybe he'll not mean so much to me after a decade
c) make him hate me so I'd be so heartbroken that I can't feel nothin no more
d) tell him the truth so he'll get annoyed/ freaked out/ and have similar outcomes as (c)
e) just die so all this will come to an end

Option E is definitely out.

How liddat how how how how how?

Labels: pickl, thoughts

This cover of Bad Romance by 30STM has given me an excuse for loving the song.




K, so I've kinda solved the no internet access situation. Daddy has this portable stick-usb thing which acts like a server or smthing like that. 



30 Seconds to Mars would be playing at Fort Canning Park this Thurs!!! I am helluva exxcited tho I have no tickets. Heeheeheeheeheeeeee. I love their music. Luv Luv Luv. 
Thinking about it gives me butterflies in my tummy. I think Jared Leto is the perfect example of the sexy rockstar stereotype.  He looks like a mix of Zac Efron + Jake Gyllenhaal. What say you!
:):):)

Labels: 30STM, Jared Leto, music

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Labels: thoughts